Stuff II

"Maybe". I hate maybes. Maybe, it was part of a larger, greater plan. Maybe, it's all part of something bigger. Maybe, I was meant to get broken, in order for me to be fixed. Does it make any sense whatsoever? I know it probably doesn't, but it's all I have. Why do I always have to have answers? Can't I have only questions? Tonight, I can have whatever the fuck I want.

I thought a lot today, about pretty much everything. About my past, about my future and, most of all, about the present. Of course, I didn't reach any particular or bright conclusion. Still, here you have. Let's do it chronologically.

The past: I'm tired of dissecting every memory I have. I'm simply done. The past is the past for a reason, even though I hate not having closure for some things. And no, for the record, I'm not just speaking about broken hearts and dates; I'm tired of thinking I'm broken, or that they wanted to break me. I broke myself. That's it. It was me who spent the nights crying; it was me the one that decided to cling onto those memories. It's time for me to realize that whatever happened, happened. Eventually, it would have ended somehow. The friends I've lost, wouldn't have been my friends for much longer; the people I've lost touch with, wouldn't have kept coming round my house for much longer; the people that broke my heart wouldn't have led me to a happy ending. Not now, not ever.

Here's when I make the transition to the present; here is where the past is starting to affect the person I am, the people I love, the things that I do. I didn't have closure with my best friend. I didn't have closure with my ex. I didn't have closure with the fucking guy I dated for less than a week. I didn't have closure with the people that have gone somewhere else. I couldn't say goodbye to my grandmother. I couldn't have closure in so many other situations, and I know I won't have it in so many future ones. It's okay, I guess. It'll will keep on happening, but I have to stop thinking that they left because I'm broken. I have to stop thinking it was my fault. It was theirs. They wanted out, even my grandma. They wanted to leave. It wasn't because of me, even if it was me who pissed them off. That's it. If I keep going this way, that is going to change. It *will* be me who pushes you away, who drives my friends apart from me. It will be my fear. And this wins the price of understatement of the year: I don't want to lose you, any of you. If you're reading this, if you know me, if we're close, you know: I love you. Even if I don't say it, even if I don't hug you when I should, even if I stay quiet in the time you need for me to speak up, or even if I sometimes come off a little too strong, or as if I was cold, you know: I wouldn't change you for anything. You're my friend, my boyfriend, and, if you're reading this, my mother.

A lot has changed over the past year. It wasn't my dreams that changed, I did too. I got sick of being molded by someone else, and tonight, I saw why. (The future:) I want what I saw today. I want a whole fucking audience clapping after my movie. I want someone to recognize my work, and to know me, even when they don't because they see my films, because they know that I have the fucked up habit of killing every important person in them. I want to reach someone. I want to make an impact. Actually, I want to make more than one. I want to make at least one good film that matters to someone. I want to make someone feel loved, in a way that goes beyond words and doubts and fears. I want to, whenever it happens, leave knowing that I'm still here within someone. Why? Because that's they way I feel. I know someone made an impact. I know that, regardless of where I end up, I'll remember that teacher that gave me a chance when not even I would, or the one that made my brain pop with ideas. I'll remember the guy that came out of nowhere and helped me fix myself, even when I thought I needed no help. I'll remember the odd girl that I met, who taught me that the first impression I usually have is wrong, because I didn't like her at first.

I don't have many answers. As a matter of fact, most of the things that fill my head are simply questions left unanswered. Still, I know this much: however the hell I got to this place, I'm thankful. I don't know if it was part of a Master plan or not, but I got here, and that's what's important. Because somewhere along the way, even though I had thought I was lost, I came upon some light. And yes, that light came in shapes of people that now brighten up my days. It came in the shape of a boy who reminded me that magic is everywhere, and that I can be myself without being judged because of the funny noises and faces I make, and that showed me what it's like to miss someone so much that hurts. He showed me what's like to wake up next to the person you love, and made me see that no matter how many times that happens, it's never enough. It also came in the shape of a girl, a pretty messed up one, who taught me I'm not the only insane girl that often wishes to be a boy to dress up differently and act all poshy, who shared coffees and alcohol with me, and nights I don't even remember but that will stay with me in time. And, funnily, it came in the shape of job that would make everyone miserable, but showed me an outlet.

Again, I don't give a fuck about my past. I care about my present, and my future. And I know the future is uncertain, and it freaks me out to say it aloud, but I wish the future includes you. I don't want out. I'm all in. Always and forever, if the eyelashes grant me my wish.